lifeless identity deserves theft

words words words

2006-12-01T19:56:35Z

so its been four years now and still the same patterns are being followed. if anything, consistency is one of my greatest qualities. but lately it has been raining everywhere. you don't see it, and whenever i bring it up, you insist that the bad weather has subsided and i can go outside now. that's where you're wrong. things have been dying and rebuilding in the flood. it never stops raining. it never stops pouring. i can't stop being boring because i'm afraid that too many new things at once will make me drown. it keeps flooding and pouring out in small doses. but the gates have broken down and now i am too. it never stops.

raining.

elevator

2006-12-01T19:43:23Z

elevator, elevator
take me up to higher floors.
reach the skies as to be taking me a little past optimism
and a little more toward complete nirvana.

elevator, elevator
i need a reason to believe again
that your gears and wires can really defy gravity, in a sense.
and that my life can be run by me, not a machine.

elevator, elevator
your attendant has me baffled as to which way we're going.
he's not talking and right now i need that more than anything.
i can't do it by myself anymore.

sighs

2006-11-28T18:04:38Z

"stop taking everything to heart."

easy words from someone who has been through more than i. someone who has better control over themselves. someone more beautiful than my mind will let me deserve. someone better fitting than my mind will let me accept. it's times like this when my thoughts are slowly being broken down into even more complicated and constraining anxieties. but it's as though my anxieties and worries and problems with myself are the only thing keeping me from completely losing control. when i am completely free of those and everything, i'll officially know it's love. i'm growing to find that there's no specific definition of "what is love." it's a series of events specific to one person that releases them from whatever it is that makes them uneasy, makes them worry, makes them rock back and forth in that bed that serves as the handcuffs that keep you from calling her or being spontaneous - rushing to meet her when you know that in an ideal world it's what you should be doing, instead of hoping you dream of her so that way, you can wake up and still have a hint of that same feeling you had when she last kissed you and made you feel completely at home.

i want to lose control. i just simply can't let myself be completely comfortable. unless i'm with you. that's the only time, i've found, that i'm completely free and my mind can't even do any wrong. you release me from my own mind. no medicine, no therapy, no catharsis could equal up to the relief you give me when i see you, hear you.

you relieve me of myself.

stop_start_rpt @ 2006-11-15T12:51:00

2006-11-15T16:51:08Z

right now i don't exactly feel like talking. it's a build-up of unfortunate events and indecision. i'm starting to realize that the reason i have such anxieties is because i'm one of the most indecisive people ever. there is one thing i'm sure of though - and that's you. i've never been so sure of any decision in my entire life than the one i made last. i'm reading all of this junk from my friends loving days and attitudes at college and i've felt nothing of the sort since arrival. you deserve a change and so do i. this is sappy bullshit but whatever. we've all got a little bit of hope.

number four

2006-11-15T06:13:21Z

so narcolepsy has never been my thing.
i'm staying awake to watch the phone ring
loudly.
things have changed none the more.
we talk in spurts and it cuts to the core,
loudly.
i'm can't handle this handling
that comes with the pain of thinking i'm mishandling.

and the more seldom the words are spoken,
the more they are heard, ever more loudly.

the clock goes to four in my head.
my narcolepsy doesn't allow me to stray from my bed
any longer.
it gives me more time to ponder
but the shrink says i can't let my mind wander
any longer.
i can't cope with this coping
that comes with the pain of knowing i'm behind on eloping.

but the more seldom the actions are made,
the more i know i can't go on any longer.

november

2006-11-14T18:04:43Z

every once in a while you notice things that are almost unnoticeable. like foxes running through fences, splits in grains of wood, or the slightest crease in your curtains keeping you awake at night. these certain rarities, these things you could tie along with fate, are quite possibly the most beautiful things in the world. just as every once in a while a person comes along who is completely unnoticeable - and even more unexpected. you can't let them go...it's just not sane for you to pass up an opportunity such as that. then again, when you "expect the unexpected," it's just as damaging. nothing is unexpected when you try to expect it. all i do is daydream lately so it appears as though nothing is unexpected. every once in a while, fate may plop an opportunity in your lap. though you had the slightest expectation in the back of your mind, never could you have expected a sign so soon or such as this. take it and run with it. i mean, why wouldn't you? fate is never wrong. unexpected contact and admirability is the most beautiful thing in the world. perfect is the only word to describe it.

lovers

2006-11-13T08:03:54Z

it's the nights when it's so cold that love is under covers
with legs entangled and feet becoming lovers.
you made me a man and i made you satisfied
with love, lust, and abandon kept together as we tried
to sleep, 'neath the bright lights
that shone all around the room we chose

and then the objects everywhere staged
as some sort of an audience to watch us behave.
the shelves were shocked and the electronics were in awe
and it was all kept complete by skin's applause.
and with my hand pulling your hips closer,
you dreamt the night away.

"why does the sun come alive too soon?"
you'd say as the light crept into the room
"does it disturb you? my love, my dear, my sanity?"
"yes, i can't keep the night going with all this calamity.
but we can close our eyes, as if to be in repose
and we can persuade the sun that we're not convinced."

so we fake-slept for hours. no movement, just contact.
and a chilling wind blew in while the windows were cracked.
"i'm sorry, my dear, i feel i have to infuse.
with this cold coming in, my slumber is bruised."
"shh...talk quieter, softer, sleep.
the less time with sound is less with burden."

so i found some more layers to thicken my surface
but the wind coming in still made me feel nervous.
she placed her hand on my face without words.
nothing not complexities, nothing not verbs.
then the day ended and the evening stayed forever
with legs entangled... and love under covers.

mem noir

2006-10-19T18:07:48Z

i'm obsessed with patterns. pattern number 1: I doodle patterns in each of my classes in the sidebars of my notebook paper. it's impossible for me to leave any one pattern incomplete. pattern number 2: i'm sick. no. not sick as in "sick-nasty bro!" sick as in the common cold. for the past 4 days i've been following the pattern of being homesick. not even just homesick, now that i think about it. homesick for some sort of figure to be constantly worrying about my health. like the days when i would stay at home by myself, laying on the couch, watching countless amounts of repeated programming and swallowing soup like it was my job. mom would call me every two hours. as much as i hated that when i was younger and just wanted to relax instead of constantly having to answer the phone, i feel like i need that comfort that someone cares that much all over again. just because i'm "on my own" doesn't mean i have to be all alone in my illness. pattern number 3: it's impossible for me to not have my life following some sort of routine. as hard as i try, i can't stray from any sort of set, secure plan that i follow weekly. be it a loose plan, but it's still held up by rafters of boredom. apparently they left out the nuts and bolts of surprise.

i wish you and i had a pattern. at least that way, i would have an idea of where to take things next.

i've got a plan

2006-10-19T03:00:06Z

it's amazing how often i change my mind toward what i feel like i actually want. i want that connection to be there - and i keep looking harder and harder for it, each time making it a little more spontaneous and a lot less thought out. i found out i've had the same indecisive writing pattern for the past two years of my life. it's making me bored and pathetic to keep reading this stuff over and over again. it's like a chronic flu that strikes when i need it least. no doctors know the prescription because, well, why would it be their highest concern if it's happening to an individual who appears on the outside to have it all taken care of? yet another reason why self-therapy is my forte. i can't handle the lack of signals you send out and the surplus of fear i have to send them back. i would keep pushing forward but i just can't anymore. it's who i used to be but i'm not who i used to be anymore. it hurts me - both the former and the latter. i'm finding out that i have always been in a social setting where i feel like there's something wrong with me and something needs to bend or break. i'm sick of feeling like i need to adjust to be completely happy. nobody can be happy with their psyche in such a pretzel twist. nobody can be happy without feeling something solid. an intangible felt tangible. nobody can be happy without knowing love.

stop_start_rpt @ 2006-10-04T10:11:00

2006-10-04T14:21:54Z

i'm supposed to be studying.

sometimes events happen in your life that open your eyes - and your anxieties - to things you should be doing a little bit better. all of my friends here have someone to love. just when i thought i would come to college and things would be able to make me feel a little bit different. i realize that college marks that "i have so much more time in my life." but the other day i made a remark about how the only way i would ever buy a girl a drink is if i was 28 and still very single. it has recently occured to me that that could actually end up being me. somebody needs to show me the secret to love and/or relationships. somehow i'm drowning in my own misfortune and i can't even paddle to work my way up or i'll get the bends in the form of depression. i know what i want and i see it every day. it knows not how exactly i view it, or that i have so many things i am holding back because of one night that i wish never happened. someday, maybe.

i found out today what needs to happen for me to feel in love. i'm not telling what.

give a fuck

2006-09-22T04:34:06Z

i can rub these beads on the inner part of my eye for as long as it take as an attempt for me to get better and forget everything that made me stressed out tonight. alcohol and jealousy. cross out the "and" because both of them do not belong within the same sentence. paragraph. story. room. anything. you're the type of reason that i'm so miserable with the way my love life has been going. take your antics and keep them in your other pants. i want the you who i walked with - no lulls in conversation - no lulls in eye contact - no lack of banter. keep keep keep it on. a wise man is telling me right now that i should stay away. that tonight was the indication of a more needy future for me. a more anxious foresight. let me classify it and bring you back to gravity before you take the alcohol too far and lose whatever inhibition you have left. you. me. keeping it simple but still hard to breathe. can't meditate right now. pass that bottle.

pull the wool back

2006-09-19T02:04:19Z

i discovered today that with the right amount of patience and a dash of an open mind, i can be a happy man.

reinventing and reventing

2006-09-18T16:16:15Z

part of me doesn't like part of the person i'm becoming.

so much pressure to be something other than what i'm used to and what i've always told myself i would never be. i have people calling me a player for reasons that they and i don't know. it's called experimentation. not like i want everything to go the way it is. trial and error. mostly error and biased trials. this is more attention than i've gotten in the past and i'm trying to adjust. slowly taking things down. notch by notch. i find it hard to believe that i can play someone with no intentions of doing that very thing. guilty by mistake. i'll plead insanity in the trial of me vs. disgruntled females. i committed no crime knowingly or willingly. let me get to my comfortable spot and play fugitive with someone i love.

oh how the times change

2006-09-15T17:00:50Z

conversations.

at first - they may be mindblowing and breakthrough-like. social relevance. breaking down the simplest mindframes and making them into small splinters that cut through your nervous psyche like, well, anything ripping apart a cotton ball. deep meanings and killing words and talk of the future because at the time your hope and wishful thinking may be all you're clinging to. fast forward two weeks. when you finally realize things said in said conversation may not be so dreamweaving as you anticipated and each of you have moved on "because you have to". it'll be better in the long run. i no longer have anxiety for it because i know that if i did, things would be much more hectic right now. i'm relaxed and relaxing. breaks.

i'm nearing the point in my life when i need to start making important decisions. not yet.

i have friends here and there. called rob yesterday - got homesick. i have a beard and people here who want me here. this is nice.

anorexia tryin' to fix ya

2006-09-11T14:33:21Z

so here's a little update on me at college.

it just got really cold. the seasons are beginning to change and so are my intentions. i'm attempting to change the way i function - think - act - look. that all begins with a relapse into anxiety and the growing of a beard. nevermind your acquisitions and accusations - i have recovered and am becoming ever so frivolous. "make me new again." i keep poking around your well-being in attempts to find something to cling to. needless to say i can't find it in myself to find it in myself. i'm young. i'm restless. i have urges and i make mistakes. be me not perfect. be it less memory jogging. make it more (how do you say...) spontaneous. ventriloquism's a bitch. cut the strings you feel you need to be directed by and come see me when you've found your sense of being.

the way things change

2006-09-05T15:45:14Z

i'm sorry. i let my anxiety get the best of me once again. repeating and repeating and always misleading. there are just some things that are far too difficult for me to deal with. i wanted you to be the natalie portman to my zach braff. as corny and out of place as that sounds, there was one moment that i remember seeing you and i immediately thought of you as her (or vice-versa). and nearly fell in love.

"i love the way you answer the phone"
"i love when you sing to me"
"i love how i can talk to you about anything"
"by the way - i like this scruff"

these are the things i'll remember now.

back and forth; forever

2006-08-28T14:53:27Z

so this is the first entry i'm...umm...entering until my...um...entry into college.

that statement was dumb.

it's nice having a fresh start and making new, diverse friendships with people who otherwise may not have been my closest friends had they known me throughout my aggravating and troublesome and sigh-worthy high school life. so many girls, man...so many girls here.

it's almost like God (if in fact he or she does exist) really wanted to give me a second chance. i know i fucked up a bit in high school with several of the decisions i made - but who doesn't? all i know is, thus far, college-life has been everything i've desired and needed throughout my living. everything here, the environment, the people, my bed, the circumstances. i'll keep talking when i feel as though i've found the need to gloat. moving forward. over and over and over again_repeat.

i'm working on replenishing the part of me that feels most deplenished (?) from years past. my trust in women has never been anything more than minimum, but one i found recently felt the need to prove that i could trust her. be it a sign?

heavens yes...i hope so.

life (anew)

2006-08-22T06:10:38Z

dear friends,

deliver me not from sin, for this, i have found, is the essence of acceptance.

deliver me not from conflict, for this, i have found, is the essence of friendship.

deliver me not from failure, for this, i have found, is the essence of growth.

deliver me not from boredom, for this, i have found, is the essence of spontaneity.

deliver me not from tears, for this, i have found, is the essence of laughter.

deliver me not from death, for this, i have found, is the essence of thankfulness.

deliver me not from fear, for this, i have found, is the essence of strength.

deliver me not from pain, for this, i have found, is the essence of love.

dear friends,

deliver me not from you, for this, i now know, is the essence of me.

one more gone

2006-08-17T03:02:25Z

i just said goodbye to ryan...who was easily one of the closest friends i've ever had.

it's amazing to actually think back and remember everything i went through with him. he introduced me to weightlifting (though i do it seldom, i enjoyed it because we would go back to his house and do random things that sounded stupid but would always end up satisfying), he tried to teach me to skateboard, tried to teach me how to play guitar, we made fifteen minutes of a movie together (Batman). he was by my side as a fan at pretty much every single high school basketball game of our last two years.

i have so many memories with him and it just doesn't make sense to me that i'm not going to see him until thanksgiving.

"don't be bashful"

and that was it.

all those nights i lost

2006-08-15T16:58:24Z

so i just took a drive for the first time since that horrible day when i got scared out of my mind. it was fine when my mom was talking constantly and i had something to keep my mind off of the road (as horrible and non-license-worthy that sounds, i needed that). when conversation would trail off, however, i was stuck inside my own horrible memories. every car i passed or came close to, i would imagine what the worst-case scenario for an accident with that vehicle would be. this is my recovery.

i just realized today that my self-rehabilitation from depression and anxiety has hit three years. i guess i can say i'm proud of myself because anxiety attacks have been happening less frequently, but that sounds so cheesy. i keep getting all these invitations to parties and reminders that there will be plenty of people drinking once i get to college. it kind of bums me out to realize almost every girl i'm going to meet at college will be a drinker. although i'm cool with doing it occasionally, i'm afraid to start up again frequently and going right back to square one with this whole anxiety deal. i'll be on my own. we'll see how it goes.

moving for the sake of having a sake

2006-08-14T05:11:27Z

it's always three more chances to see you under stars and the feeling of taking it for granted when it's all over and done with. less than 2 weeks until the time comes for me to depart, and i've just begun to connect with some people here on a completely different level than i used to. before notsomany days ago, i hadn't realized exactly how much i'm actually going to miss the way my life has been around here. write your stories, tie your shoes, hold on to your memories, take pictures, keep in touch and on top of things - i won't be gone for long before i'm back and will want to be a part of everything all over again. i have prayers and hopes that none of you will completely block me out of your lives, because if there's one thing i want - it's to never lose the friends i have now.

love

2006-08-11T04:08:26Z

tonight

eric, pat, and shawn played for eric's farewell show. it was fun for a while but when it wound down, it really wound down. i came so close to crying so many times. i wanted to cry - no, sob - so badly for eric, for shawn, for pat, for rob but for some reason i just couldn't. it was easily the saddest i've felt inside for such a long time. i had been wanting to experience a moment so open as this for the longest time. what better way to be open than through music.

i left the show and it hit me. it hit me once during the show and once on the drive to chili's and then again on the drive to burger king. leaving these people who have been so receptive and so open to me is going to be one of the most difficult things i've ever had to do.

saying goodbye to eric, though i never got a chance to know him enough, was so difficult to do. it took way too much for me to muster up the words, "you're one person i regret not getting to know more." because i knew that based on the circumstances, i would get choked up. i barely knew him and he affected me.

after tonight, i know that friendships should be measured by the amount of emotions that have been experienced. for the people with whom i cried tonight - i know you will be friends of mine for as long as humanly possible. i love you all.

hospital lights

2006-08-09T02:33:57Z

"hospital!? nooooo way. no way are you getting me to go to a hospital."

- - - - -today was an eye-opener to say the least - - - - -

it appears as though my nervousness of "leading traffic" got to me in my least favorite way. long story short - i had no clue exactly where i had to get an eye appointment today, so i was driving frantically and looking at everyplace i passed along the way.

i felt blinded by absolutely everything that was going on around me because my anxiety got to me.

blahblahblahEXCUSEEXCUSEblah

the noise of the impact was probably the most frightening noise i've ever heard in my life. crunching metal mixed with shards of my windows and windshield flying all over the place...then mixing in someone's voice in the distance telling me not to go.

i've been replaying the event in my head all day. for the half hour of sitting on the grass, attempting to take myself out of my mental state of shock. for the incredibly quiet drive to the impound lot, then taking pictures at the lot, then the drive to the ER and the 1.5 hour wait. i'm laying on my bed right now, replaying the same events. it's amazing what the rush of thoughts in your head is when an event so terrifying occurs. it opens your eyes to everything you've been doing wrong, and when you think about someone in a moment like that, you know they must mean something to you - much deeper than what you ever thought of them.

i remember when the ambulance and fire company showed up - they asked me if anything hurt and if i needed medical assistance. i had no idea because i hadn't gotten out of the car yet. i do know that at that moment, i felt more vulnerable than i had ever felt before. i hated that feeling for how sad it made me.

R.I.P. Connie the Contour - the only woman who has ever been loyal to me.

memories

2006-08-07T20:05:46Z

i just saw a virtual tour of the house that my grandparents used to live in.

some stupid rental company turned it into the most lame and boring place ever.

as much as my parents complained about it when my grandparents lived there, i miss all the clutter, and the usual wet spots on the floor from the dogs not being able to hold water in their mouths after taking 40 gulps at a time. i miss the loud days on the deck, filled with arguments between my uncles and aunts. i miss the days when we would take our dogs down to the water and introduce them to how much more peaceful life can be when it is submerged. i miss the days when it would rain, but we would run back and forth from the house to the cottage, just because we could. give me back the days when i would be stuck inside by myself, waiting for my parents to return from wherever they were and watching old movies that my grandpa recommended. i miss the days when i would relax, not talking about anything but sitting with my cousins and looking out at the lake from the spinning rocking chairs and knowing exactly what all of them had to say. these are things that never had to change, and will never leave my head.

so keep your stupid white walls and perfectly clean floors and your lack of identity, Diversified Rentals, i'll stick with the memories.

synopsis

2006-08-07T19:32:34Z

i just watched i heart huckabees

needless to say, i'm feeling rather analytical, so bear with me.

today, i got stood up for the umpteenth time.

for the first howevermany hours i was laying around, pissed off at myself as if it was my fault as a result of karma, i had myself convinced that it was one of the worst days i've had in a long time.

then i realized that if there is some higher being that was holding me from being with said person, obviously He (or She) felt as though there were other thoughts about other people i should have been having, instead of doing something that i was never meant to do.

i'm going to make a bold Donnie Darko-esque statement, but maybe it just was never in my predetermined path.

while having these thought processes,

i thought about certain people in my life and their exact ranking 'pon the totem pole of importance in my life. there's people who get me, then people who can't understand me in situations such as this (but still make an attempt), then people who choose not to get me.

in news from the weekend, chadwick and i took 3rd at a beach doubles tournament in ocean city. that was rad.